Returning to Simplicity: A Self Insertion Story
by CellCloneBot
Summary: In this self-insertion story that is a parody of all of the genres that exist in fanfictions. I serious look at really silly cliques.
1. Introduction

Returning to Simplicity: A Self Insertion Story  
Introduction: The Entry to the Naruto World  
By: Cornel Kennedy  
  
Yesterday I had the fortune of meeting a famous Kunoichi from Hidden Leaf Village. I don't know how I had got here except that last thing I remember doing was eatting a bunch of mushrooms that I found in the backwoods of my property. The female ninja had a blue diamond tatoo in the middle of her forehead and two long slim brands of blonde hair that flowed down her green jacket. Of course, Tsunade did not agree that was what I had found in her. She had instantly called me up for staring at her prominent cleavage that she leaned on over her desk that was covered with paperwork. I was shocked but I did not lie. I had told her, "From what I can see of you over your desk, more than half of it is breats."  
  
Throwing her head back, she had laughed loudly and slammed her fist into the desk that caused the room to shake and various scrolls to fall to the ground from their shelves. I had asked her why I was here. As I remember it, she had told me that her village was short on ninjas, and though they customarily discouraged authors from entering their world as a self insertation, she would give me a free pass considering my circumstances. She had commented on my ability to write strategies to overcome the opposition. I could only respond that I had also written the part of the opposition to act the way they did in order from them to lose. She had shook her head in disbelief and told me that this was true, but every fanfiction I had wrote had kept the characters as true as they were to the exception of the fanfiction I kept under my pillow about her. This had stirred her to tighten her face in anger and pick up a long stick from her desk with to hit me over the head. I had rubbed my throbbing head and stopped when what I had thought was danduff fell onto my shoulders. Her reaction to covering her mouth with a sleeve made me uneasy and I stared down from her face and took in some more of her cleavage.   
  
"I apology," she had said, "but because of the mushrooms you have eatten, when you came into this world you had inherited the power of the spores. What you see on your shoulders are toxic spores that can cause anyone who inhales them to endure a psychodelic trip. It is what we could consider a blood line technique."  
  
"What am I doing here?" I had asked her. The stick she had held whipped under my grainy unshaven chin and steadied my head to her face. She smiled as yielding as wax and rested her head on the back of her limp hand.   
  
"You had already asked that." She had told me. "The effects of your newly acquired technique must have some harmful effect on you as well as others. You should be honoured, Cornel; you are the first person ever to be inserted into another world and have a drawback to your ability. But, you were just kidding yourself with that fanfiction under your pillow."  
  
She threw me a dark navy blue hand that had spun around on the top of my head and twisted down until it was on backwards. I had felt my forehead and a piece of metal was there were the cap adjustment should have been. I pulled my eyes back to hers, and she had an arm held out bloating about her accomplishment. "Wow! How did you know my cap size?"  
  
"Cap size? Didn't you see that throw?" She had yelled. Her manners had calmed down quickly and she continued on. "Anyways, this hat will not only give you protection from your own technique, but also honour you as a temporary hidden leaf genin. Report back to me after you get your picture ID."

* * *

That is the best I could recollect at this moment as I sit on the the stool ready to get my picture taken. In the useless struggle to look my best, I had removed by hat to fix my hair. A swarm of green particles surround me and the whole world tilts and turns so that the camera man cannot get a shot of me. In this fast twister, I catch a glimpse of two men in blue long sleeve sweaters and dark green vests who lounge by my side. From what I can recall, the spikey gray haired man with all but one eye hidden is Kakashi, and the one with a bandana covering his brown dry hair was Genma. They grap me at the shoulders and involve me with the spinning of the universe so it appears like nothing is spinning at all. A flash of light emits and I am handed a card.   
  
I awake from my stupor hallucination as Kakashi slaps me on my back. "Thanks for the trip."  
  
Kakashi and Genma stumble off and I look at my ID. My eyes are focused on a gloved hand on my shoulder. The collar of my plad blue shirt is turned up and I'm slanted to one side. I put it in my pocket and head for a gap in the railing around the porch. I find the stairs and head down to the ground. It is a crowded alley with densely compact stores giving off a mixture of fine to strong aromas. The street is filled with rubbish. My stomach gruggles and I head to the nearest store. I push the tapestry over my head, as if it would cause my head harm, and enter the dark cavernous room. I had not decided on where to sit or what to eat when a waitress smoking a cigarette crosses my path and put a bowl of chick peas and an unknown meat paste. I see a small bug struggling to get out. "Ah, there is a bug in the bowl."  
  
"What," she sharply said brandishing a long wooden spoon in her hand, "do you want at as a side order."  
  
I pull the bug out of the bowl and it shurries away from me. The taste of the meal is bland and bitter. A large man with a beard enters and inserts his own puff of smoke into the environment. The waitress uncaringly serves the bowl on the table the closest to her without regard to where Asume may what to sit. He has a cheery smile on his face and I feel the present of someone who is going to talk to me. I desire to sit in silence.  
  
"The new outsider, am I right?" He asks and leans his head back on his folded arms against the wall very close to a piece of dislodged wood only holding on by the ripped wallpaper. "We're going to need the help to fix this village."  
  
"I feel my presense here will be less than adequate to help." I admit. His eyes slowly look over me.  
  
"Yeah," he agrees, "never thought an outsider to be so useless."

* * *

It is evening, and I wait outside the 5th hokage's office. People have been rushing in and out of the door. Some of them I know and others I see as expendables. Any time now, it will be my turn to see the Hokage, and recieve my first mission. Having been surrounded by ninjas as young as 6 years old and stronger than me, I feel weak and out of place. Maybe it would be best if I hadn't been inserted in the first place. Whatever. I raise my hat to them. cough, cough.  
  
The End

* * *

If you read this, you have gone too far. Read and review, please.  



	2. Pretty Pairing Plot, Part One

Returning to Simplicity: A Self Insertion Story  
Part One: The Preliminaries of "Pairing"  
Chapter One  
By: Cornel Kennedy  
  
Tsunade looks at me for a moment and gently smiles, even though it has been more to the notion that I would be her last appointment today. She tells me that I look troubled, and walks away to her desk as I open my mouth to tell her of my transition to here as of this afternoon. It was another mental score board that I would have to mark another point of someone not paying attention to me. Everyone here had appeared very busy to give me directions back to her office and truly, they did have better things to do with repairing this village.   
  
"I-"   
  
"Shut up," she sharply scolds. "You have not been updating this fanfiction enough."  
  
"It's jus-"  
  
"No more excuses," Tsunade demands. "You didn't update because you only got one review."  
  
"Correct," I admit, "but I am grateful for his or her input."  
  
"It was anonymous! How do I know you didn't write it?" She questions.  
  
"I suppose you don't," I tell her. I am confused by the knowledge she possesses. On one hand, she recognizes she is part of a fanfiction, and yet she is lacking to what I solely know. "I have under, I mean other, fanfictions too."  
  
"And they are all missing something." She swipes out two hand puppets, one of Kakashi and the other as Iruka. They are mushed together as she makes kissy noises. Returning them to their drawer in her desk, she gets down to business. "And where in your fanfictions can find Kakashi and Iruka pairing?"  
  
"You want me to write a Kakashi and Iruka pairing?" I swirm at the thought. She closes her eyes and quickly nods her head a few times. To object, I shake my head and green sprinkles swirl slowly down in front of my face. As if more lights had entered the room, I feel more in place here and through a more curved lense, I see rainbowing around the light. She may have expected my reaction but I do not care as my stress of her suggestion has eased and I am more ready to hear her. I slide back into my chair and take a deep breath. "I believe the people who think that Kakashi and Iruka are going to get together are not serious fans of Naruto. I will propose another pairing, after you tell me why you want me to update this fanfiction more."  
  
"You may see this mission as not being serious, but with every chapter, important people can continue working on fixing this village. I'm here to give you hints on writing a review attracting fanfiction so you will update more often, and as such, everyone else with a real goal can get on with our task."  
  
"Okay," I say, "I will pair Naruto with Hinata."  
  
"Awright!" She shouts. She pulls out the Kakashi and Iruka hand puppets that hold a sign stating: "I hereby allow this fanfiction to be a pretty pairing plot - Tsunade."  
  
"This fanfiction isn't going to turn into a cross over with Excel Saga is it?" I ask. She leans up very close to me.  
  
"It's just a parody, Cornel," she whispers to me through tight lips, "I shouldn't even be revealing that information."  
  
"A parody of a parody?"   
  
"Nothing is safe when getting reviews," she tells me and jumps up on her desk and hails with an arm singing: "in the name of loovvee."  
  
"I sort of liked you when you were more in character." I admit. She laughs and asks me why; and I tell her that she was more believable from what I have read of her developement in the manga. Again she laughs after I had finished my comment and Tsunade says that I am foolish for trying to get her true character on a fanfiction and was not paying attention to what she had asked me.   
  
She concludes, "I had asked you to try to write a pretty pairing plot," she plays up the ending with everything sweet and sugar and gives me a sweet girl pose consisting of holding her hands behind her head holding her hair up and giving me a wink behind a pink background filled with white fluff flowing up. The whole thing is orchestrated with a shassy sax, and a slurred whistling happens when she winks at me. "What does remaining in character have to do with pairing?"

* * *

In the afternoon, I had arrived at the academy to meet Hinata and Naruto. The nine rookie ninjas were there following a request that Tsunade made to take a break from working and party together. I had stopped on the way to spectate Lee, Neja and TenTen holding hands and skipping down the street. My worst fears had become true; I was in a pretty pairing plot.  
  
When I had entered the classroom, it was not as I had expected. Instead of Ino and Sakura corning Sasuke, the whole group were all social each other. Ino lets out a laugh while she stands in front of Shino! Naruto sits on the front desk with his legs crosses. Round him were Hinata and Sasuke. The way that Naruto and Sasuke stare eachother in the eyes, worries me. Hinata hardly moves and is playing with her forehead protector that she had hung around her neck. I had to stop Naruto's attention to Sasuke and bring it on Hinata. I look around for ideas, and to the left of my foot lies a cooler fill of ice and a can of pop. Digging around the cold cubes, I pull out a can and shake it. A bit of spores from my hair get to me, but I could not stop this plan no matter how heavy my body had felt.  
  
I trip on my way to Hinata and recover my wrapping my arm around Sasuke. When I pull my limb neck up, I see that Naruto pouts about this mishap. Soon, if all went to plan, he would be comforting Hinata. "Hey, Hinata," I say dangling from Sasuke, and hold out the pop, "have this for you."  
  
"Thank you," she softly speaks. When her hand brushes up against mine, I let go of the can and it falls to the ground. I twist off Sasuke, and not knowing my comfort of my legs, fall down and hit Hinata in her head as she had also bend down for it. She looks down at me, and removes her hand for the top of her head. Putting the can on the table she reaches down with her hand. "Here.  
  
"Thanks, Hinata," Naruto yells. I hear the fizz of a pop can and the gushing of pop. "Ahhhhhhh... I tell you what."  
  
The conversations stop and even Hinata has returned from her rescue mission to look over the desk. The room then explodes in laughter. "Hinata, how could you?"  
  
I roll to the side to watch Naruto's feet scurry off and slam the door. Back on my back, Hinata has started to go after Naruto. Perfect. But Sasuke stops her. Shit.

* * *

Heading outside before the party is over, I see Sasuke hugging Naruto. Naruto is on the tree swing, and Sasuke goes behind Naruto. I was about to run to tackle the two, but Sasuke just pushes Naruto on the swing. I guess this is an ending to a pretty pairing plot, but I could let up the fact that I had lost when trying to get Hinata with Naruto.   
  
Sasuke nods to me when I walk up to them. "Glad to see that you two are such great friends."  
  
"We are more than great friends," Sasuke admits and pushes Naruto again, "we're dear brothers."  
  
I smile. Sasuke starts to smile back, but Naruto on his return touches his feet to the ground, does a backflip to grap Sasuke's head, and then gets him in a head lock. As Naruto clutches his hand into a fist, in an amazing feat of flexability, Sasuke kicks back and pulls his leg up to knock Naruto in the head.   
  
Walking away, I look back onces more to Naruto and Sasuke throwing each other. My work is not done. Tomorrow, I'll get Naruto to notice Hinata! cough, cough  
  
The End  
  
If you read this, how was my writing? 


	3. Pretty Pairing Plot, Part Two

Returning to Simplicity: A Self Insertion Story  
Part One: Trite Truelove Triangle  
Chapter Two  
By: Cornel Kennedy  
  
With the progress of Konoho changing, it can be hard to find my way to the main building. Main roads have been blocked and alley ways have led me astray. This is the reason I have arrived in the main building in the early hours of the morning. Even when I close the door behind me, I still hear the reconstruction. The hallway is dark and lined with families who have lost their homes. I know most of the good spots have been taken, and I slowly stalk through the hallways looking for a place to sleep. My search has left me with my hand on the woman's washroom. The room is bright, but would be the only place for me to lie down to rest. Even a strong old man with long hair snores as he rolls over the counter that is built into the wall with the sinks. He is the second Sennin that I have had the displeasure to meet, and I hope the last one too. I rest up on the same wall as him and to the corner so he is out of my view. "Only the most skilled ninjas have caught me in a compromising position."  
  
"It's only chance," I respond.  
  
"Listen," Jiraiya groans, "I am not in the mood to talk."  
  
When I wake up, a crowd of angry women glare down at me. In the bunch, a punch comes; dulls my vision. I wake up again, sore and with blurry vision. My hand flops to the floor and hits the hard tile but I am numb. Around me, the women's washroom has turned into a social gathering. I pick up my blood soaked hat and remove myself from the crowd room. Today, Naruto is going to recognize Hinata.  
  
Out in the hall, a few specks of green float around, and Jiraiya is reading from his book, 'Cum, Cum Paradise'. "That is the end of that chapter," he says and the audiences claps. Most of the women whisper in eachother ears and even the men hide their smirks under a hand. Jiraiya slams the book close and a gust of air rejuvenates a falling speck near his nose. The sound from this action had caused everyone to quit their giggling and pay attention. "What the audiences wants in a romantic story is the switch of the love interest to the overlooked admirer. I, Jiraiya, hereby give permission to make this chapter a trite truelove triangle!" and he vanishes to appear next to me. In a swift turn, I am facing him bent down in a huddle. "Now you know the rules. Know your triangle well. By the way," he adds, "add a drop of perverseness for me."

* * *

The short blue haired girl for whom I have been searching stands next to the silence Shino sitting on the back of his feet looking down at a colony of bugs. The bugs, honestly, bore me with their scurrying and ordering. Their actions did not differ from the people of Konoho. Both had purpose and that would merit importance. If I were to be noticed, then I would have to perform my purpose that twists a knot in my gut as Hinata peers over me and smiles with a small downward twitch, that bitch, which does snitch the switch of a smile to a frown. I conclude that she found me awfully weird considering she had spent her time with a person crawling with bugs and another who talked to his dog.   
  
"We have not been properly introduced, Hinata," I tell her, "my name is Cornel."  
  
"Hmm..." Hinata looks down at Shino but he sits like a statue, "what do you want?"  
  
"This isn't about me," I act modestly for an instant, "but however, I want to get tons of reviews."  
  
"Why don't you publish the fanfiction you keep under your pillow?" Shino asks. The people who found out about that bound yet renowned fanfiction confound me and I drop down to the ground.   
"This meeting is about Hinata," I urge this point, "and what she wants."  
  
"Naruto." Shino calls the odds and nods. A meek mouse shriek emits and admits her guilt with her hands clapped like paws over her static face dramatic and fanatic. Her hands shake of ache so I hold her hand cold and fold to take her to the lake. I put her down and cup in my hand some water to splash in her face. The pale returns to her face as I had swore I could have seen through it.  
  
"Is it that obvious," Hinata asks. Her fur cuff wipes her face of the drips that drop at the few tips of her mostly round features. "It would be nice if he would recognize you."  
  
"Why you're very shy by this guy, but you can be clever," I say, "by helping him get Sakura."  
  
"Sakura!" Hinata puffs her face up and sticks her hands between her knees. Her mouth has shunk to a size of a coin and through her regress she protests: "Don't - wantta - help her."  
  
Her big moon eyes soon commune in close shut lids she forbids the idea. She's a bouncing girl trouncing my announcing the plan to can her man. I had not known she alone could've shown her emotions.   
  
"Hey," I say, "today you pray that may you sway with no delay with Naruto, but nay, feelings decay, never stay to not betray our way. Anyway, everyday is quite okay if we obey the world's cliche."  
  
"I guess I'll try it," Hinata's face turns back into an imperfect circle, "but why did you rhyme?"  
  
"It's annoying," I say, "but I wanted to see if you were paying attention."  
  
"I guess I can listen to your plan." Hinata said.  
  
"First, we have to dress you up and buy a fan of the Uchiha family. Next you will find Naruto, and lie to him by saying that you want to help him get Sakura so that Sasuke will be free to date you. Dress him up, and get him after Sakura with your help." I explain to her as she writes down notes. "This will do two things by law of the trite truelove triangle. First, Naruto will recognize you, grow attached to your company. Secondly, he will see how easy it is to talk to you and be with you so he wouldn't pass up a chance to date a girl who was interested in Sasuke. Nothing can go wrong."

* * *

The sun was setting and I had finished preparing Hinata to get Naruto. I wait in a mellow of rolling hills for Hinata to give me the good word. My vision starts to develop bubbles all around the area and I wave my hand in front of my face. I drop my hand down slowly as Hinata runs over the hill in slow motion. In fact, all of this area has slowed down and I remember Jiraiya words about knowing the triangle and how things work. Hadn't I recently helped Hinata obtain Naruto? Am I excluded from the rules of matchmaking?   
  
The scenery has turned silly has a group of ninjas cheer Hinata on and her Kurenai hands her a paper cup of water that she throws into her face and continues to run. Escaping from her, I turn around and see Jiraiya giving me two thumbs up with a big grin. I could tell in a moment I would be involved with the greatest sin of fanfiction writing: a character of the series falling in love with a self insertion. I had missed all of the signs, but they were all there to predict this backfiring. This wrist slitting twist!  
  
It may have seem like a few minutes, but the chase had lasted about a few seconds before her ninja speed caught up to my turning around. In typical fashion, we roll down the hill together in disregard of the sharp hard rocks that hit against my body and tear off my hat. The pain causes me to scream out to drown out her playful laughter.   
  
When we stop, my eyes bounce side to side and Hinata stands above me holding my hands jumping up and down. Being much older and a long time since I have ever turned around more than one repeatively, I turn my head and throw up.  
  
Mission... failed  
The End  
  
If you are reading this, you should have known what should have happened after the first part. 


End file.
